THE FOLLOWING IS A TRUE STORY. NO NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED
BECAUSE THERE ARE NO INNOCENT.
JACK
SWAG
No
two men in history have led the lives that these two men have,
and no two men could have survived such a journey. Gather
around and listen closely, chillins. Remember the story that
you hear now, because you may need to pass it on to your chillins
and then your grandchillins.
Jack
Swag and Jimmy Gag met on a day when destiny and fate were
so thick in the air, that you could taste them on your tongue
like sharp cheddar cheese. Destiny tastes like cheddar. They
spoke words of power to each other, drawing towards one another
as twin stars are drawn together to revolve in the heavens
forever. Jack Swag spoke first, slamming his words into Jimmy's
brain like two behemoths at a monster truck rally as they
stood facing one another on the college campus.
"Hey,"
said Jack.
"Hey,"
replied Jimmy.
And
thus a partnership was formed that would rival that of the
great duos in history: Laurel and Hardy's, Jack and Daniel’s,
and Ike's and Tina's accomplishments would pale before that
of Jack Swag and Jimmy Gag.
College
was not good for the two men, and soon they were forced to
abandon it due to the fact that their combined GPAs equaled
1.53. Scholarships and school became a hazy fog in their past
and they moved out of the dorms and into an apartment together.
They did not have gay sex ever, even though it was college
and it's okay to experiment. They just were not into each
other in that way. They did, however, learn that two drunken
heterosexual white boys and an at-home perm kit equaled super
coolness.
They
spent the majority of a summer together, unemployed and unconcerned
with minor things like food and air conditioning. They busied
themselves by making their own clothes and developing a close
relationship with a 50 gallon tank of pharmaceutical grade
Nitrous Oxide (who eventually came to be known as "MR.
BIG") that had fallen off of a delivery truck outside
of their apartment building one day. Jack Swag and Jimmy Gag's
close friendship became strained when they couldn't decide
what was more important: staying blitzed on laughing gas,
or eating regular meals.
On
one misty, chilly morning in June, the two compadres made
their fortune. They did not really want much money, just enough
to feed themselves and to take care of the hobos who had moved
in while they spent the summer in a Nitrous haze. That was
not to be their fate, however, as they accidentally created
new method of cooking pizza without using an oven. It happened
when they left a frozen pizza-pie on the window-sill, wrapped
in aluminum foil. After four days, the pizza was cooked perfectly.
Pizza companies clamored over their new technique, giving
them barrels and barrels of gold bouillon to use this new,
super-efficient method for cooking frozen pizza.
They
had a precise plan for the use of this unforeseen fortune,
and they knew that it was flawless. They would turn their
money around a hundredfold and become the world's richest
power duo since Scooby and Shaggy.
They
would go to Vegas and gamble. It was so perfect, that it could
not fail.
They
failed, though, and depression overtook them. They made the
mistake of placing all of he money that they had made on "black"
at the roulette wheel. It was bitter defeat indeed when their
Hero, Wesley Snipes, steered them wrong with the advice "Always
Bet on Black."
They
wandered the desert for fifteen days, weeping bitterly. Perhaps
it wasn't actually the desert. Perhaps it was a convenience
store named Desert-mart off of Route 9. Their only entertainment
came from huffing Nitrous Oxide from balloons. On the 14th
night, the stars shined brightly over the Nevada desert (or
fluorescent in the store) and Jack and Jimmy breathed deep
of the night air (or was it Nitrous Oxide?). A vision came
to them, a face of an ancient spirit that demanded action
from the two visionaries.
The
ancient, twisted spirit spoke in a language that they did
not understand. Something like, "Hey! You guys have been
here for days! Get the hell out of my store, you druggies!
And put some clothes on!"
The
meaning was clear to the two friends, though, despite the
strange code that the Ancient Indian Spirit spoke in. The
spirit's words were as clear as the moon's brilliance: Make
some t-shirts and sell them online. You'll make some money
and you won't have to work that much and people will maybe
laugh, or something.
Eureka!
Jack
Swag and Jimmy Gag wandered back to their Buick Skylark and
headed back for home. They had all that they needed to succeed:
twisted senses of reality, some t-shirts, some funny-as-hell
ideas, an endless supply of tweed suits, a 50 gallon tank
of pharmaceutical Nitrous Oxide, and a pet cougar named Tammy.
JIMMY
GAG
